Jojo

 

     I’ve known I was different from most people my entire life. I wore a mask around everybody and didn’t show my true self except on VERY rare occasions where I just immediately connected with someone.

     I knew I focused more on who someone was inside instead of whether they were a guy or a girl, but that wasn’t something that was really acceptable in my very Christian small town that I grew up in. Once I moved out of my hometown, I was able to learn more about who I am and start to truly show more of my truth with people based on how I dressed and acted. It was when I had been out of my hometown for almost a year that I dated the first girl. Finally having the space to think about who I was, the term that made sense to me was panromantic. It was only when I knew my family was going to come see me that I told them. It went better than I’d expected considering I’d tried to tell them as a 16 year old that I liked girls too, only to be laughed at as they thought I was joking. (I found out later from my older sister that they didn’t think I was joking, they hoped I was, and I’m not honestly sure that’s not worse.) Moving on.

     I’ve never been super comfortable being referred to as a girl. Terms like ma’am, Miss, girlie, babygirl, etc… all made me feel uncomfortable. In my hometown I was kinda sheltered. I didn’t really even realize there was a word for not feeling like a girl, but also not really wanting to be a boy. Living on my own in Jax, I found out there were a bunch of different words for that. As I was thinking through all of them, reading the definitions as defined by people who identified as them, genderfluid seemed to be the one that fit best, but still didn’t seem quite right. About 5 years after my coming out to my parents as pan, I still hadn’t addressed my gender identity with the people around me. Some of the things that I’d heard them say made me think they wouldn’t be the most accepting of that aspect of my identity. I’d also heard everything in high school (from dyke, to the It, to fag) and was, not unexpectedly, nervous to be brought right back to those awful years with slurs yelled at me as people crossed halls to stay away from me - trying to ward off the “cooties” from the freak.

     It has taken time, but now my family knows that I am non-binary, my preferred pronouns are they/them, although those don’t get used by my family. My girlfriend and some of my closest friends on the other hand, have been amazing about respecting me and honoring my truth in the way they refer to me.

 

My advice?

1. Stay true to who you are. It will take time, and you may lose friends, but honestly, Dr. Seuss says it best, “Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”

2. Don’t be afraid to be afraid. Yes, I know that was a little convoluted. All I’m saying is fear is okay. You are brave. Whether you feel it or not. Bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but continuing on in spite of the fear.

3. The worst part will end. It may seem like an eternity, but it does end. It’s also easier to endure when you know in your heart who you are. Don’t be afraid to accept who you are in your heart, even if you can’t show the world yet so that you continue to stay safe.

4. And for the last thing I will leave you with, to quote my favorite podcasters, Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark from My Favorite Murder, “Here’s the thing, F**K Everyone!” The only opinion that really matters is your own. If you’re secure in your own truth, everyone else can just go straight to Hades.