JASON

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I have intermittent issues with anorexia and bulimia. Those are intentionally starving yourself and forcefully regurgitating food.

Simply put, I have always had trouble accepting my body. In high school I played three sports and never looked thin.

At first, I actually, unintentionally had orthorexia. That is extreme dieting to the point of only having fruits and vegetables. My meals were essentially lettuce. I thought I was just being healthy, until someone pointed out my lack of caloric intake.

A few years later I paid LA Fitness for a monthly membership and got a personal trainer (who also gave me a specific diet). I strictly stuck to what he recommended and got stronger but looked the same after six months of dedication.

What’s hard for me is that I can work out, be competitively athletic, and practice healthy eating, but I don’t care about my health. What my mind gets stuck on is how I look when I’m looking at myself in the mirror without clothes, and I know that giving in to the eating disorders work.

I know that depression, addiction, and disorders are not something you understand unless you have personally experienced it. Essentially, the best analogy that I can think of is this; you all know what it feels like when you eat a dinner that gets you bloated. You want to walk around to ease your stomach, but you feel to nauseated to stand. Now imagine that feeling, but after eating an apple, a salad, a smoothie. Throwing up, also referred to as purging, becomes compulsive. You eat and hate how you feel. You’re disgusted with yourself and think about the meal you just had, converting the food into calories (knowing you’re not going burn them off and they’ll be converted into fat).

I thought a good solution would be to do more cardio. Eat a banana and run to burn those 105 calories. You eat and you don’t keep the calories; perfect. As I came to learn, since your body needs calories just to maintain a baseline, burning off all the calories you consume is a disorder called Anorexia Athletica.

The issues of anorexia, athleticism, bulimia, and overuse of laxatives are not ones that can easily be resolved. It takes tenacity, strong will, and often rehabilitation centers are the only works that stick. The way you view your body only really gets better from two things: improve your physique or intense cognitive therapy (and both take a lot of work).

The way we view our bodies is not something most people relate to. Our bodies are not a factor of self-esteem. Our bodies don’t contribute to our depression. Our bodies don’t add to the issues with eating… Our bodies are everything.