Jason

 

Growing up I have always felt like I was different than everyone else because when we hear anorexia, bulimia, anorexia athletica, etc. we think, “Women”.

As a man, I never really felt that it was a right to have issues with my body. All of my male friends talked about wanting to be more muscular or spend more time at the gym for health, but I was the only one who would change for P.E. in the bathroom instead of the locker room so that my classmates wouldn’t see my undressed body (the concept of me seeing my own stomach/chest was nerve-wrecking, God forbid someone else did/does the same).

I spent my teenage years hating how I looked so much so that the real reason my friends and I would go to the beach and I was the one staying on the sand, watching the wallets, and shooting some pictures, is because that solitude, loneliness, and embarrassment was better than simply being seen in a bathing suit (a truth that still remains).

Looking back at all of my high school regrets, my biggest resented memory isn’t a fight, my drinking or my reoccurring unfortunate sexual experience(s)… it’s the soccer game that I wanted to say I was too sick to play because it was scheduled to rain. It was a home game so I had to wear a white jersey… a literal nightmare. But my school was small and they needed me and I’ve never wanted to be running less than when they could see through my shirt; but my parents taught me that commitment means being there and participating so I stuck it out, terrified.

After high school I went to study abroad for a couple years. That’s when my eating disorder really started. In high school I played tennis, soccer, and cross country so I was exercising almost every day but I never lost weight or gained muscle. Eventually I learned that not eating at all was the only way I could like my body. I’ve never looked better in my own eyes than when I was intimidatingly thin during those years. Food still gives me anxiety and I’m constantly remembering that all I need to do is push off my meals or throw it up if I’m too, “weak” to starve.

I think the biggest problem people have a society is not understanding two key points, and I will end it with this:

1. Someone who is thin and unhealthily losing OR GAINING weight is recognizably a bad thing and that person needs help whether it be support or rehabilitation. A heavy person losing weight by unhealthy means is not a success story; it’s the same circumstance and we shouldn’t applaud his or her “accomplishment”.

2. Seeing someone eat is not a proof that they are not struggling with eating. If the person were to give up eating altogether, he/she would simply die. It’s not fair nor reasonable to hold eating against someone claiming to have an issue; diagnosed or not, only we know the anxieties we feel.