Jason

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     In high school I never had the self-esteem to stand up for myself and I was angry just about all day, every day, but I couldn’t see myself as worthy of getting help. There was another classmate (same grade; I was 17 and he was 18) who would come over a lot and spend the night. There wasn’t a spare room so he would stay in mine (the idea was he’d sleep on the recliner chair). Every night he came over, he’d sleep in his underwear, which wasn't an issue… It started with asking if I wanted to jerk off with him, I’d say no, he’d ask if he can jerk off anyway, I’d tell him I didn’t care what he did on his own, and he would tell me, "That’s not fun"; but then he’d get into the bed with me. He’d touch my chest (which is hard enough with the body issues that I had/have) and asked if it was okay. I could never get myself to say the word yes (or no) so I’d quietly and noticeably uncomfortably force the sounds, “Mm hmm”. I was always tense so my only conclusions are my lack of interest either wasn't a deterrent for him or it was a part of the motivation. He'd get an erection relatively quickly and touched me until I got one too (I tried everything to not get hard). Then he’d masturbate and keep touching me until he finished, asked if I wanted to finish, and then finally accept my answer of, “I’m okay”. There were a couple of instances where I climaxed simply from him forcing his groin against mine which led me to feel guilty and ashamed, as if I enjoyed it. That was a weekly occurrence.

     I’m not sure if my sexuality was always bisexual or if that had a role in my attraction, but until that year I only saw myself being with women long-term.

     After high school I spent a couple of years in Israel (in a religious school). My first kiss was with a boy because when he asked if he could make a move on me, I thought he was being sarcastic, and went along with the joke… turns out he was not kidding (which I sincerely think is a funny moment because the girl I eventually dated had her first kiss with a man after I did). Within the same month of that I started hitting the local gay bar a lot (which is explained in my, “Alcoholism” article) and a man started to flirt with me. He genuinely made me feel good about myself for the first time in years and I completely trusted him to be the first man I slept with. He said, “Your first time can be intense so I think we should hold off, at least for the night”. Chivalry was not dead. The next night I went back to the bar and there was a man there (a little older than me, didn’t speak a lot of English, kind of condescending but given my self-esteem, I’m a little into that so it worked). He got me trashed to the extent that I do not remember anything else that night except for some moaning which I am 90% sure really happened. All I know is I woke up in his bed, naked the next morning. He told me it was obvious I, "Had a good time getting rimmed and fucked". We showered, he said my cuts were like the actions of a twelve-year-old, and then I walked a mile to the bus stop and found my way back to my dorm… And that’s the story of how I lost my virginity.

After I came back from Israel there was another instance of drinks leading to blacked out sex. It turned out when that man initially started to flirt with me, what he failed to mention is that he had syphilis. His STD (which never goes away but can become noncontagious) was given to me. (I acknowledge he may have told me after the point of not remembering).

     About a year and a half after that I decided to try and reconnect with my best friend from high school (whom I haven't seen in four years at the time). He came over for a family dinner. My parents, he, and I played some drinking games to socialize and catch up, and I fell asleep on the couch before the games were done. When everyone finished playing and my parents went to bed, he woke me up and told me to go to my room so I could sleep comfortably. His intentions weren't the same as mine... When I fell onto my bed, he'd lay next to me (not a problem for me). He kissed me and I opened my eyes a little but wasn't conscious enough to kiss back or retreat. Within what felt like a few minutes of that he took off my pants and started to give me oral. I remember saying no and trying to push him off, but I was too exhausted and weak to move him at all. About a week later I had some symptoms of discharge and burning urination, so I called my primary care team and was diagnosed with gonorrhea.

     On another instance I went to some friends for Friendsgiving and when I wanted to leave, the host told me I couldn’t leave until I blew him. He stood in front of the door and pulled out his penis.

I’ve also had the horrible experiences of telling boyfriends I didn’t want to have sex… then feeling them force their way into me anyway (as if kissing the back of my neck for a little bit beforehand made the actual act more romantic and acceptable).

 

     I want to stress every issue I’ve said here involved different people.

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     This is obviously a very vulnerable and uncomfortable topic for me, and potentially you as well, but this is an awareness nonprofit so it felt appropriate to share the details (for the first time) here, where it can help people know what’s happening in and out of religious communities (and in high school and beyond) as well as for victims to know they (you) are not alone.