Jason

 

EMS has undoubtedly impacted my social, family, and romantic life. From the beginning I knew that it would help me seem like a better son, better job applicant, and better partner because it’s impressive, competitive, and seemingly altruistic to work in emergency medicine. But nobody told me about how it can impact me so negatively in all the same ways of life.

My first real job was working with a patient, one-on-one in a nursing home, then as a one-on-one caregiver, then as a caretaker in a senior living facility, interfacility EMT work, and most recently 911 EMT work. On paper, I’m a perfect date… Intelligent, caring, practical; but inherently flawed in practice. Throughout my life I have seen so many people, in and out of work, suffer in so many ways: Parkinson’s, Cancer, ALS, deafness, heart disease, strokes, traffic accidents, rapes, abuses, slips with power tools, and so many more circumstances that I can’t pretend to be unphased by. My jobs means appearing to be the rock of the scene because when family is scared, the patient is overdosed, and neighbors are taking pictures, my team needs to ensure everyone that we are competent to transport the patient, used to the incident, and trained to provide treatment.

It’s normal for people to start in this field and get overwhelmed and ask for coping advice, but it’s not so common that we talk about the lasting effects of the job. I don’t mind saying it’s messed with me…

I am fortunate enough that I have been in this field for years and I do not have PTSD or insomnia like so many of my peers. However, I do suffer from severe apathy. I cannot connect with my friends or family when they’re distraught because I’ve seen (what feels like), “Real problems”. I’ve lost relationships because I’m, “Cold”, “Distant”, “Arrogant”, “Emotionless”, and because the ways that I cope with my jobs are labeled red flags (coping mechanisms like getting drinks with friends/coworkers after a sixteen-hour shift instead of coming home to relax before my shift the next day, having a cigarette after a hard call, and the instability of needing to be alone and asking for company).

I don’t regret my job. I love my job. I wouldn’t do anything differently if I were given the opportunity… But I cannot lie and pretend to be the, “Hero” society keeps saying I am; I am not a hero. I am not someone to look up to. I am pessimistic and altered from my job on an inherent and personal level. I am in my field because my personality does not allow me to take any other route and while the world admires me for my devotion, I feel cursed by my self-administered expectations.

I would not discourage someone from taking this field on because it is fulfilling and impactful and admirable. I just can’t let you walk into it expecting it to be nothing but those things.