Jason

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During my time abroad (I was 17 when I left and 19 when I came back) my drinking started getting out of control. It progressed from a habit to a problem when my friends and family discouraged me from getting a therapist for my depression, codependency, and irritability. I, “Needed” to drink because when I didn’t, I’d get overwhelmed and stressed and angry at the smallest inconveniences and the bottle was the only thing that could calm me down and feel some faulty extent of pleasure. My friends and family didn’t understand, sex felt meaningless and shallow, eating made me feel unwanted, and focusing on other people was too much to handle at the time (so what else is there to resort to?). It escalated to the point that my daily routine was to wake up, cut myself, and take a few shots of Jack Daniels. From there all I had to do was stay a little buzzed throughout the day until it was late enough to bus to a bar and get trashed. All of my friends are straight and tried to help me through the drinking so I found the only gay bar in the neighborhood whereI knew they wouldn’t find me and ruin my calm.

When I got back from Israel my drinking was under control for about two years. That’s when I got a job that I loved, but the management was horrible. They made their employees feel undervalued and only showed enough appreciation to make us stay when we handed in a letter of resignation. It took me three attempts before a coworker convinced me to stay strong and resign. During my time there I discovered West Hollywood (the LGBT friendly clubbing scene in Los Angeles). My trips there became nightly; I needed the validation other people gave me (men tend to approach me more easily than women so that scene was ideal) and the drinks were cheap/strong. Eventually the bartenders became my good friends because I was there early enough to have one-on-one conversations and late enough to see the bar die down. I failed my math class because of the drinking and nights out. I got my second STD from blacked out, unprotected sex. That’s when one of my closest friends called me out on my drinking and helped me stop.

A year after that I was working a new position in the medical field (from caregiver to interfacility EMT). Ironically lighter drugs like marijuana were not allowed because it lasts in your system for weeks, so I started joining a friend in weekly, “Drinks and drugs” (cocaine, which stayed in my system for a significantly shorter period of time). My grades in school started to drop again, I was irritable again, and I felt like my body was shutting down at least two days of the week, every week.

It’s been a while since then, but I’ll be honest with you: it’s July 7, 2021 and I’ve drank every night for the last three weeks except for one and I’ve been telling friends I will stop every night for the last two weeks. I’m having trouble. I’m going to my first AA meeting today.

I can’t tell you why my drinking keeps getting out of hand. I guess, minimally, I have an addictive personality (I also can’t seem to quit smoking cigarettes or getting tattoos so… there’s that). Truthfully, I don’t see myself stopping forever and I am very aware that it’s a fault in my personality. I am also aware that this isn’t ending on a very helpful note. If it gave you any insight into the mind of one person’s drinking, “Needs”, I’m happy something good came out it.

If this wasn’t helpful I encourage you to write your own article/advice and submit it to Everything MH because I don’t pretend that you all share my experiences or thoughts.