JASON

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Why Do People Respond to Depression So Poorly?

I believe depression is, unfortunately, like every other mental illness in that it’s taboo. We’re taught that if we’re going through something, other people may be uncomfortable talking about it with us, so it’s inconsiderate to speak openly.

Obviously if mental health cannot be discussed as casual conversation, people are going to be thrown off, uncomfortable, scared, overly concerned or dismissive when they hear about it. They have never talked about it, therefor there is no reason for them to know how to respond to it.

Parents are unique in this context. It’s true that parents don’t necessarily know how to respond healthily either, but they have an added reason. Even though depression is completely natural and acceptable, parents need some time to accept that it’s real and happening. They had an idea that their child was happy, doing well or maybe just a little bit down and this is shifting their perspective of you. It’s never okay to be rude or condescending but parents are entitled to some time to process, as long as it’s not at your expense.

 

What Does Depression Feel Like?

My psychology professor made a big deal about how inappropriate it is to say, “I’m depressed” when what you’re really feeling is sadness. I didn’t think much of it until an old coworker asked me, “What does it actually feel like?” The sincerity that he wanted to know was genuinely uplifting and that’s when I realized how right my professor was. Sadness is a feeling correlated with a lack of happiness. It’s sorrow. Depression can’t be so easily described. This specific category is a lack of mental health and has a multitude of emotions, feelings and general vibes. It is because of the paradox that is complication and vagueness that makes it hard for people to express.

I’ve thought about how to describe it properly for a long time, researched what other people have said and came to the conclusion that depression is an emptiness. It’s a lack of happiness for sure, but it’s a lack of enthusiasm, interest, passion and frankly it’s a lack of concern for what goes on around you as well. But that all describes only one side of it. There’s a disassociation with regard to the environment to the extent that you know the world and yourself are on the same plane, but it feels like a projection. When you’re driving a car, you know that winding your hand steers the vehicle left or right, but it feels like when you shift your body, controlling the motorcycle in a Chuck E. Cheese video game.

It’s the feeling of worthlessness and irrelevance a child gets when a parent doesn’t acknowledge him nudging. The guilt of knowing other people are investing in you financially, emotionally and consistently when they could be working with someone who has actual, inherent value that doesn’t have to be earned or proven.

Happiness becomes an abstract, unattainable word because all you have are distractions from the depression, which is either constant or progressing and there doesn’t seem to be a foreseeable end.

That’s depression; and that is why it’s inappropriate to compare it to sadness.

 

Is Depression the Same for Everyone?

Depression is unique to everyone who has it because it’s on a spectrum. It ranges from mild to major and everything in between is a valid mentality to be struggling with. Mild depression can be everything already said, but the feelings are more tolerable. You feel down and small, but it’s more comparable to an inconvenience than it is a threat. That being said, it is something that needs to be acknowledged and worked on because if I were to softly tap you on the arm consistently, eventually is will hurt and leave a mark.

Mild depression has to be taken seriously because it’s intimidating and can be scary to the person feeling it as well. If someone has major depression, then feeling this may be a blessing. You have to acknowledge that to someone who has never experienced major depression, this is their lowest point.

The bright side is that Minor Depression is curable. Exercise, being outside, socializing, distractions, hobbies, working with passions and productivities have all been proven to affectively deal with the depression to incredible extents.

Moderate Depression is where it starts to get severe, but it’s still somewhere in between minor symptoms and intolerable conditions. Major Depression is when you should be uniquely concerned for the person. It’s when medical professionals ask you, “On a scale of one to ten where ten is the worst you have ever been[…]”, anything less than a seven can be considered a happy moment, despite the notion of apathy. Regardless of how he or she feels about stating a seven and not a higher number, you need to acknowledge the number itself high and alarming. Since ten is referred to as, “The worst you have ever been”, the scale of subjective and whether the depression appears as severe as the person states or not, their answer needs to be taken as truthful.

The unfortunate reality of Major Depression is that exercise, hobbies, socializing, etc. are proven to be far less effective. While all of those things are encouraged, ongoing and frequent counseling should be seen as a requirement. It’s important to note here that counseling can only work as much as the “patient” is open and involved. Although controversial, if counseling is insufficient, using a psychiatrist and getting prescribed medication is often helpful. (Keep in mind that medication takes time to have an effect and it may take longer to find the right prescription, so a lack of result does not mean the resource is ineffective). If the depression escalates / is consistent enough, suicide may seem like the only option for relief (making recognizing the signs crucial for friends and family).

 

What are Some Signs of Depression?

Symptoms are what we’ve already gone over (what the person is experiencing) whereas signs are things that are observable to outsiders. You may know someone experiencing depression if they:

Restrict themselves from eating healthy amounts.

Eat excessively (frequency and quantity).

Seem uncharacteristically negative and/or pessimistic.

Assume risky behavior (uncharacteristically seeking adrenalin highs).

Seem less enthusiasm and/or interest in activities that used to bring joy.

Seem less passionate about topics they typically care about.

Seem more isolated than normal.

Seem irritable (more common in men).

Switch between emotions rapidly.

Spend an abnormal time talking/writing/drawing about death.

Sleep an abnormal amount or having trouble falling / staying asleep.

Express thoughts about hurting someone else or themselves.

Have an abnormal amount of trouble focusing or describe themselves as, “Spacing out”.

Moving and responding abnormally slowly.

 

What is an Appropriate Response?

People are constantly holding their emotions inside, ignoring the damage that it does. Sometimes it’s because they want to spare other people the pain, sadness and sympathy, but it’s often because they are afraid of what they’ll be confronted with when they finally do express themselves. What we need to acknowledge is that depression is completely normal, and often nobody’s fault. According to the World Health Organization, over 264 million people have some form of depression and suicide is the second highest killer for people between the ages 15-29-years-old.

If you’re a parent and your kid is depressed, know that it is not necessarily because you could have been better. If you’re a friend of someone struggling, it is not likely to be because you didn’t provide enough support. If you’re a sibling, grandparent, son or daughter, it is not fair to take credit for your loved one’s depression. It is serious and you can provide support, but taking responsibility is not one of your expectations and it’s certainly unreasonable for you take it upon yourself.

You can do a Google search for inappropriate responses and find some helpful results. Never say, “I don’t see you as depressed”, “Just focus on the good”, or anything else that’s dismissive, belittling and offensive. What people aren’t talking about is that you need to understand why they’re telling you about their problem. They may be looking for someone to vent to, someone to tell them they’re okay, maybe even just some acknowledgement and it is absolutely acceptable for you to ask them. “I hear what you’re saying, and I acknowledge what you’re going through. I’m sorry, I know that can’t be easy. What can I do for you?” He/she may not know what they want; so offer. “Do you want to talk about what you’re feeling?” If they say there’s not much to talk about, ask them what the depression is like for them. They may start being dismissive toward themselves and then realize there’s more to say. “Do you want to go somewhere and hang out?” Go for a walk, get ice cream, a coffee, to the park or wherever it is that’s not too crowded. Depending on who it is and your relationship, they may just want physical touch. Asking, “Do you want a hug or to cuddle?” is completely acceptable and if they say something about not caring or being indifferent, it doesn’t hurt to show that affection. If it’s at a scary level and the depression is intimidating, ask if they need to talk to someone more professional.

Sometimes what they want is for you to know and some space, so don’t take it personally if they want to be alone. Don’t be afraid to overstep and ask what they need.

What you need to do, is stop expecting to have the answers.

When someone is depressed, they’ll tell you if they know why or not. It is not your place to tell them why they’re unhappy or what to do about it. They’ve been dealing with it for longer than you’ve known it was happening, they trusted you to know, so return the trust.

 

How Do I Know if I Have Diagnosable Depression?

This one is simple. Many colleges offer free counseling to their students who are more than willing to do a simple assessment and give recommendations from there as far as whether more research/evaluation seems necessary.

Your primary doctor can do a simple test and give a referral.

If you’re seeing a counselor, ask what they think about the possibility.

The reason it’s so easy is that depression is not as uncommon or as shameful as we make it out to be!

 

How Should I Feel About Self-Harm?

Self-Harm does not start as a direct issue and should not be made into one right away. NSSI (Non-Suicidal Self-Injury) is often a symptom, or coping mechanism, to make the bigger issue (in this case depression) more tolerable. Sometimes self-harm is an ask for help, but that’s not always the case and you should not presume it as such. It can also be therapeutic where the person needs it in the moment for themselves and it’s not about you at all. Sometimes it’s an issue with control.

The point being that self-harm can become something to worry over; either when it becomes a threat to life, or a dependency. But it’s common and although scary and worth keeping an eye on, it’s the reason behind the NSSI that you need to correct.

Don’t necessarily encourage it but work very hard to not make the person feel shamed for what they’re doing.

Some examples are cutting (which is often because of depression, a feeling of deserving pain, wanting their looks to reflect their emotions, or a need for control), forcefully regurgitating food (frequently referred as bulimia; often because of a need for control or body issues), burns (often because of depression, a need for control or feelings of deserving/desiring pain). In all these examples, focus on the reason behind the actions.

Lastly if someone you know is self-harming, make sure they are safe. Wounds can get infected, purging can cause too much weight loss and a lack of vital nutrients, burns can get worse.

 

THE POINT OF THIS  SUBMISSION IS TO NORMALIZE DEPRESSION, BREAK ITS CURRENT STIGMA, START CONVERSATIONS AND HELP TO UNDERSTAND WHAT DEPRESSION IS AND FEELS LIKE. THESE POINTS ARE ALSO APPLICABLE TO EVERY OTHER DISEASE, ILLNESS AND DISABILITY.

 

References:

(n.d.). Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression

Depression. (n.d.). Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml

Depression. (n.d.). Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

Mental Health Conditions: Depression and Anxiety. (2020, August 06). Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/campaign/tips/diseases/depression-anxiety.html

Schimelpfening, N. (2020, July 31). What to Say When Someone Is Depressed. Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-say-when-someone-is-depressed-1067474

We Can All Prevent Suicide. (n.d.). Retrieved October 03, 2020, from https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/how-we-can-all-prevent-suicide/