Hi there!

 

This is James Taylor and I wanted to talk a little bit about how I've dealt with depression.

 

I wasn't diagnosed with MDD until I was 18 but I knew I felt off for many years before that.  I had contemplated suicide on numerous occasions and almost went through one when I was 17.  It was a really dark time for me.

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I grew up in the church as a Baptist and initially I loved everything about it, but as I got older I kept hearing a lot of negative things about who I was.  They spoke a lot about homosexuality and how wrong it was and by that point I knew I was gay.  Actually, I had known since I was five but that's a story for another day.

 

But being so immersed in Christianity, I thought I was definitely going to hell and there was nothing I could do about it.  I decided to end it all and just speed up the process.  I honestly couldn't tell you why I stopped myself.  I had already taken my mom's pills from her medicine cabinet and was ready to take them all, but I didn't.  I think I rationalized staying alive and I'm glad I did, but the pain didn't go away.

 

I went to college and the pain only worsened.  I thought getting away from all that hate would help, but I never realized the real hate came from within.  I didn't believe the doctors when they told me my diagnosis and just assumed it was a mistake and the reason I felt so bad was because I was gay.  If God could change me then the pain would disappear.  It didn't until I got help.  The doctors told me it wasn't my fault and eventually I started to believe them.

 

I have fewer episodes now but it comes back every now and then.  I'm just happy that I learned to love myself because not many people live to get that point.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening to my little story.